Amanda
by Zebrastreifen
Summary: "This was the end. Amanda was standing in her Captain's office, desperately trying to keep up appearances. She had just disclosed her gambling problem to her superior, and of course she was expecting things to go downhill from there..." [My take on what happens in Cragen's office in 13x14 ("Home Invasions"). NOT Cragen-bashing! M for language references to past non-con.] *ONESHOT!*
**_A/N: Just a little oneshot that came to my mind when I watched "Home Invasions" 13x14. Spoilers for "Forgiving Rollins" 16x10 - I haven't even watched this episode yet except for the trial prep scene between Amanda and Barba. Meaning: I know enough about what happened to her in Atlanta to write this (I hope), but if I messed up (or did super well!), please let me know!_**

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 _This was the end._

Amanda was standing in her Captain's office, desperately trying to keep up appearances. She had just disclosed her gambling problem to her superior, and of course she was expecting things to go downhill from there, but what Cragen said next vaulted her right back to Atlanta:

"Rollins… there's a way to make this go away"

The implication and the memory it was linked to hit her light a freight train. She couldn't do this. Not again. But did she have a choice? Futilely trying to keep the nausea in check, Amanda Rollins choked out an "Okay" and dropped to her knees, trying to prepare herself for what she knew was coming.

 _He was right. You really are a whore._

She had fled to New York City only to find history repeating itself. But something was different this time: The concerned – shocked! – look on Cragen's face. The gentleness of his voice. The fact that Amanda flinched violently when he gently placed his hand on her shoulder and said her name. And then, suddenly, he was gone, and Amanda sunk down to the ground while she heard Cragen call Olivia's name through the bullpen.

* * *

"Amanda? It's me – Olivia." The brunette knelt down next to her shivering colleague. "You're safe. I won't hurt you, okay? No one will hurt you." Amanda froze. She had heard Olivia talk like that a hundred times now. Her voice was calm, soft, gentle. It was her victim voice, the younger detective realized, and she felt a wave of nausea hitting her. This couldn't be happening. Not here. No one was ever supposed to see her like this. She was okay. She had been okay for over a year now. Hadn't she?

Amanda realized she'd been holding her breath since Olivia had started talking, and she was running out of oxygen. But she knew if she started breathing again, all her pain would just pour right out of her. And then, Olivia would know. Olivia would know! She couldn't let that happen. So Amanda forced herself to let all the air out her nose and quickly, shallowly, inhaled again. A fraction of a second. Not enough time to sob. Not enough time to let out a strangled cry. Just enough time to take a breath.

"Amanda?"

The blonde was still bent over, her body weight factually resting on her shins, heels boring into her buttocks, her back domed, shaking arms enveloping her head that she'd brought down between her knees. She looked tiny. Fragile. Maybe already broken.

"Amanda", Olivia repeated, even gentler this time, although Amanda would've never thought that was even possible. Why couldn't she just go away? Leave her alone. Not look at her, for fuck's sake!

"I'm here to help"

A violent sob ripped through Amanda's body. She couldn't. Couldn't hold her breath any longer. Couldn't keep everything bottled up inside. Her abdominal muscles contracted, trying to steady her when she wept back and forth, side to side, from the sheer force of her sobs. Olivia froze, not knowing what to do. This wasn't just one of her victims. Amanda was her colleague. Maybe even her friend. And she was just kneeling there, not knowing what to do and not allowing herself to think about what could have caused this.

"Amanda!" Olivia flinched when the blonde's head finally shot upwards, frightened blue eyes staring at her. "Amanda, I need you to breathe, okay? You're gonna make yourself sick, honey. Please… You can do this. I know you can. Take a deep breath. Come on." Olivia inhaled deeply, relieved when she saw the blonde mimicking her actions. "There you go. … and out. In... and out…"

It took a while until Amanda's breathing had finally normalized, but Olivia kept coaching her. When she sensed that the blonde was calming down, she initiated eye contact again, but didn't say a word, hoping Amanda would start talking if she was ready. She didn't. Instead, Amanda averted her gaze, afraid what Olivia would be able to read from the look in her eyes.

"Please talk to me" Olivia asked softly, and Amanda bit her lip in response. Olivia sighed. Amanda was sitting semi-upright now, having pulled her legs close to her chest, resting her head on her knees. It was going to take a lot more to get Amanda out of her shell, but she had had to start somewhere… Nevertheless, she gave the blonde another few moments to change her mind. When she didn't, Olivia continued.

"'Manda, I know this is difficult, but I have to ask: Did Cragen hurt you?"  
Relief washed over the brunette detective's face when Amanda shook her head. But the head-shaking seemed reluctant. Scared. Olivia bit her lip. She never would have thought her Captain was capable of hurting a woman, but as strongly as she believed that, having found her colleague crying on his office floor was telling a different story. So Olivia couldn't afford not probing into it. "I don't want you to tell me what you think I want to hear, Amanda. I know Cragen's our captain, but no matter who he is – if he hurt you; if he… did something … he can't get away with it. You can't let him get away with it"

Olivia's words felt like a slap in the face. _No matter who he is – you can't let him get away with it_. _You can't._ As in _it's your responsibility._ As in _if you let him get away with it, what happened probably wasn't that bad after all._ Amanda clenched her jaw, as if she was trying to keep something inside. Words. Sobs. The truth…

"Please talk to me" Olivia asked again, surprised when the blonde actually opened up:  
"It wasn't _him_ " Amanda whispered sadly, and Olivia's heart stopped for a moment. "I'm a mess, Liv." The brunette frowned and was about to ask what she meant when Amanda continued: "I… uhm… the bookie scumbag we questioned a few days ago - Murphy - … I owe him a lot of money. Gambling debt…" Amanda gulped. "I… I told Fin last night, and made me tell the Captain. Cragen-… He-… Cragen said that there was a way _to make this go away_ …"

Olivia's eyes widened. "… you were on your knees when I came in."  
Amanda blushed. "Yeah." She confirmed, clearly embarrassed. Olivia wasn't an idiot. Amanda knew she knew why she'd dropped to her knees, but nevertheless, she didn't let it go.  
"You didn't go on your knees to beg for forgiveness, I assume?" Olivia stated lowly, and Amanda shook her head, suddenly finding the idea of a giant hole opening up beside her very attractive. Olivia _had to_ see she just wanted to disappear! Why was she doing this? Why was she even here?

"Liv…" Amanda begged. "Can we please not talk about this?"  
Olivia gave her colleague a sad look. "I'm afraid we can't, Amanda. I understand why you don't want to talk about this, but that won't make it go away" Olivia sighed deeply before she continued. "The Captain said you were crying when you… looked up to him." She did Amanda the favor of leaving the "… when you reached for his belt" part out. The blonde was clearly mortified as is, and regarding what she had just witnessed, Olivia understood the reason why. But she also looked terrified, and that still didn't make sense to her.

"Earlier, you said that _Cragen_ didn't hurt you – but someone else did." Liv started carefully. "Have you ever told anyone?" Olivia was worried by the blonde's hesitation, having noticed the hint of temptation in her eyes to just nod and get this whole thing over with. "Don't lie to me, Amanda. Please!"

Now the blonde looked genuinely shocked at how Olivia had known. Feeling guilty, she bit her lip and stared down at the ground, once again withdrawing.

"I get that you're scared. And hurt. And embarrassed. I get that you just want to make it all disappear, but it won't. I'm not going to force you to tell me anything. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, okay? No matter what happened – I won't judge you. I won't think less of you."

Thick silence hung in the air.

"It was my deputy chief back in Atlanta" Amanda finally blurted out, and Olivia nodded sadly, gently encouraging her to continue. "My sister Kim… She got in trouble with the law and my… my chief, he… he called me into his office and said that… uhm… that he could make the accusations against Kim go away…"  
"… if you had sex with him."

Amanda blushed at Olivia's conclusion, then nodded. "I… I thought I could do it. I knew it was wrong and … slutty … of me, but… She's my little sister!"

Olivia clenched her jaw, trying to hold herself back so she wouldn't blurt out how _wrong_ the whole proposition her deputy chief had made was. Now was Amanda's turn to speak, and Olivia could sense the blonde just needed to let it out.

"We… uhm… We met at a motel. He told me to…" Amanda gulped, doubting she'd ever be able to look at Olivia again after … this. But there was this look on Olivia's face. This expression in her eyes: Compassion. Not disgust. Not pity. Real, honest compassion. Like she really wasn't judging her at all. So Amanda continued. "He told me to… take my clothes off and… lie down on the bed. And I… I did. Then he…" Amanda's voice trailed off but she managed to pull herself together. "He took of his clothes and… knelt down on the bed. I could feel his- I could feel him against me and I realized I couldn't do it." Amanda paused again, desperately trying to keep her tears in check.

"What happened next?" Olivia prodded gently, but Amanda remained silent except for the little sobs involuntarily escaping her. Olivia waited patiently and was just about to say something when Amanda continued: "I... I tried to push him off of me, and… told him I'd changed my mind but he… didn't stop."

Amanda gulped, and her averting her gaze told Olivia that she didn't want to give her any more details for now. Instead, the younger detective concluded with a sigh:

"So when Cragen told me there was a way to make it all go away…"  
"…you thought it was all gonna happen again"  
Amanda nodded sadly. "I thought if this time, I could just go through with it… Then it wouldn't… hurt as much. Because then he wouldn't have to…"

 _He wouldn't have to_? That was the point where Olivia could no longer hold herself back: "Whoa, whoa, whoa – Amanda! No! What happened in Atlanta wasn't your fault, do you hear me? It was Not. Your. Fault. He didn't _have to_ do anything. He didn't have _any_ right to violate you!"

"I had agreed to have sex with him! I lead him on! I… I took my clothes off for him. It's my fault. If I had just gone through with it…"  
"Stop! Amanda! Stop right here! It doesn't matter what you did before. It doesn't matter you agreed. It doesn't matter that you… met him in the motel or whatever else you think you did wrong! What matters is that you said no, and that he didn't stop after that."

Amanda shook her head. "If it was all on him, then how come _I_ was about to do the exact same thing again today? He's right, Liv. I'm a slut"

"No, you're not, honey. You were desperate. Today, and back in Atlanta. You didn't know what else to do. You had no choice. Not when your chief propositioned you, and not when he made you have sex with him. Amanda… That was rape. He _raped_ you. And no matter what you did or didn't do, that's on him – not on you!"

"…but I…"

Olivia shook her head. "No buts, Amanda" She said gently but firmly. "I'm so sorry he hurt you like that. But it's not your fault!"

Olivia paused. "This is the " _something_ " that happened with a coworker that you told me about when we were working Gia's case, isn't it?" Amanda nodded slightly, unsure where this was headed. She really hoped Olivia wasn't going to blame herself for not asking about it again, because if she had, Amanda would have just shut down. Fortunately, Olivia didn't. Instead, she continued: "When you said it wasn't worth pursuing, do you remember what I told you next?"  
The blonde nodded. "You said: " _This is how they win_ ".

The look Olivia she gave her conveyed more than words ever could. And that was when Amanda realized that she'd been wrong: Today wasn't _the end_. It was barely the beginning…

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 _ **A/N: I know it's super mean to end a oneshot with the words "it was barely the beginning", but as far as this story is concerned, this is it... I just wanted to get the idea out of there. I guess I'm a pretty decent hurt-comfort-scene writer, but I'm sure I'd totally suck at anything prosecution-related... Sorry guys! I would really appreciate if you let me know what you think about it, though!** _


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